Hubert Selby, Jr. 1928-2004

"Couteau: You're at the gates of heaven because that can be the next step? Or ... ?

Selby: Let me put it this way: I think we're always striving for this perfection of our own being, to realize our own perfection. To realize and be consciously at one with this thing that created us, that we always have within us. I mean, we always have it in its entirety. It's my belief that says, "I don't." And it seems to me that, periodically, the closer I get to the conscious awareness of my oneness with this creative power the more insane the human ego becomes. And I'm defining "ego" as the lie of separation. The lie that says I'm separate from this thing that I can never be separate from. I'm separate from me; I'm separate from you. It starts to feel really threatened, and it just becomes outrageously vicious -- at its best, [laughs] it's vicious. And so, I can just feel so twisted and turned, that I can't move; I just don't know what the hell is going on. But my experience has proven to me that when I'm feeling that way it's because I'm really knocking at the gates of heaven. You know, to use a phrase. And if I can just find some way of letting go of my fear, which usually means surrendering right into the middle of the fear -- in other words, just sitting and saying: Okay, you fucking dragons, you demons, here I am, eat me up alive, you fucking punk. Then I become aware of being at the gates of heaven. But, boy, it's not easy. [laughs] "